Kymmenen = ten

The beginning of June marks my 10-year anniversary in Finland.  Incredible!  I came here ten years ago for my cousin's wedding, and ended up staying.  I got my Masters, reconnected with family roots and Finnish culture, met incredible people, enjoyed many beautiful dusky summer nights, and dare I say, even became more introverted and less talkative!

The psychology of "staying put" has clearly developed in a more settled direction.

Year 1--please let me leave
Year 2--if I left now, I wouldn't cry over any one
Year 3--hmm, this winter somehow felt easier than the last
Year 4--if I buy ice skates, does that mean I will be here more winters?
Year 5--am I allowed to stay here?  to want to stay here? to see friends' kids grow up?
Year 6--this skiing thing is not so bad
Year 7--take me to my phD in the US? nope.
Year 8--100% here until I get kicked out
Year 9--getting my own place
Year 10--in progress, but feels good

Another thing that is different is that my family is all here: parents and sister.  That starts a new era for us! I have, of course, also changed, deepened.  All for the better.

This country has been the setting of my adulthood, while Ecuador held my childhood.  I can't think of two more different countries in terms of climate, national temperament and society.  But I have a great appreciation for both of them and what they have added to my life. I don't know how I will celebrate the past decade, but I think it would be fitting to do something.  Go have a sauna, or visit the only friend I had when I moved here in 2005.

Here's to the past 10!  Cheers!

32

Today I am 32.  It's only a number, but we mortals like to observe the passage of time, some more meticulously than others.  Thirty-two is one of those ages that marks you as an adult, there's no "young" to go before it, it stands on its own.  But, then I had to disagree with it as I actually scrummaged for its official definition:
"having attained full size and strength; grown up; mature."

If 31 taught me anything--through burn out, heart break, slowing down, changes, deaths, community living, the realities of my own limits--it is that I have much maturing and growing up to do yet.  I do not consider that I failed in 31, but what I mean is, that I experienced things within and without me to a degree that I hadn't before.  I was faced with my own brokenness, fatigue, weakness.

And in the midst of it, I found grace.  The grace to say "no."  The grace to stop, to rest.  To accept the limits of myself and others.  To receive love and care when I didn't feel worthy of it.  Actually, love and care don't come because I am worthy, but because it is the nature of love to give itself, it must give itself.  And I am loved by the Eternal, by my family and by many around me.  It is humbling.

So, as I step into the first day of my 32nd year, I am thankful.  I look forward to moving toward "full size and strength" day by day.  I hope I have the maturity to laugh at myself and not take myself too seriously.  I hope to learn many new things.  I hope the friendship I have developed with "uncomfortableness and unanswered questions" will become a more peaceful one.  I hope the dimensions of my life uncover surprises.  I hope for beauty and delightful conversations.  Sunshine and music.  For a pursuit of God for his sake.  For my sake, too.

Here, crossing the threshold of 32, I rest, with all that I am and am not.  And in that same rest, I want to take steps and risks that open up the path marked for me to tread this year.

Benedictus

For 2014

For a new beginning:

In out-of-the-way places of the heart,
Where your thoughts never think to wander,
This beginning has been quietly forming,
Waiting until you were ready to emerge.


For a long time it has watched your desire,
Feeling the emptiness growing inside you,
Noticing how you willed yourself on,
Still unable to leave what you had outgrown.


It watched you play with the seduction of safety
And the grey promises that sameness whispered,
Heard the waves of turmoil rise and relent,
Wondered would you always live like this.


Then the delight, when your courage kindled,
And out you stepped onto new ground,
Your eyes young again with energy and dream,
A path of plenitude opening before you.


Though you destination is not yet clear
You can trust the promise of this opening;
Unfurl yourself into the grace of beginning
That is at one with your life’s desire.


Awaken your spirit to adventure;
Hold nothing back, learn to find ease in risk;
Soon you will be home in a new rhythm
For your soul senses the world that awaits you.

-John O'Donohue

GLS

We had the Global Leadership Summit here in Helsinki this weekend.  It's a conference for Christian Leaders and takes place worldwide, although it originated in the US as Willow Creek Church.  There were about 700 attendees and speakers from business, church and political arenas.

As a result, I am distilling a bunch of things beneath the surface, things not only related to leadership but my place in kingdom business.  For this season, my place is here.  I know that, and I have known that since March.  But now my heart has caught up with me and I care.  It hit me like a ton of bricks. I care about what happens in this country and that people here would get free of the things that bind them and blind them.

I have great expectations for what is to come.

2011

Dear New Year,

You came so quickly I hardly had time to prepare for your coming.  But I guess that’s all right, I know you don’t mind.  Your arrival probably got more fanfare elsewhere than it did among us in Jerusalem this year, but I just wanted to say welcome.  Welcome, with all your surprises, challenges, vistas, growth, and travels.  I forgot to ask you to do away with the Finnish snow, but I figured it’s fine as long as somewhere up your sleeve you have a beautiful summer.  I will appreciate your wintery shawl as well as your summer sundress, your spring raincoat, and your autumnal partying.  I am happy you have come, and I leave our acquaintance and short 365.25-day journey together in the hands of the Creator who has allowed me to live long enough to meet you. 

Your friend,

Laila

inventorying

a few moments
some empty lines
waiting to be filled
green garden setting
with morning cool
time to take stock
of life and see if i
am ready for that
road that opens up.
do i have what it 

takes to face the

way before me, are

my feet fitted, eyes

steady and hand

tucked in my lord's?

peace enters my

soul like a welcome

friend and i glance at

my resting toes as

the wind moves the

garden leaves. i

am featherlight and

ready in case it 

should move me too.

It's 2010, people!

A new year has opened, like a gift so deep and so wide it's impossible to see all that it contains.

I have already pulled out of it some incredibly beautiful winter days full of friends, skating and a new internship. I even got a hint of irony, as my friend Elina from South Africa came to stay with us during her visit to Finland. She lives in Johannesburg, one of the most dangerous cities in the world where one's life, possessions or car can be taken in an instant. Then she comes to Helsinki, where such fears are not part of daily living, and what happens? Sonja and I were going to pick her up at the airport, only we discovered that our car was stolen, from our very own parking lot! Somewhere, it is adventuring without us.

I thought about 2009 for a bit, going over in my mind some of the key events and processes. I'd have to say it was intense, in a good way. I processed some painful things, yet at the same time that made me feel more whole and understand myself better. There were milestones like graduation and a pilgrimage. My family was in the same country for 10 months--an incredible gift! I made new friends and got to know my old ones better. Just the thought of them brings to mind summer days and Sunday evenings spent together. And as I just passed another birthday a few days ago, I choose look at my aging with hopefulness.

I am thankful for the surprises still to come in a new year of life, and for the faithfulness and goodness of the Giver in every situation.

_________
P.S. I don't make new year's resolutions, but I shall try to blog a bit more this year. :)

FBFS09

I missed the official day of poetry and summer! It was on Monday, but I do have a good excuse. I was a camp counselor, once again enjoying the company of other third culture kids, running around playing capture the flag, ping pong, soccer, and making up skits at the last minute. I had a great small group of thirteen-year olds who named themselves the Namibian Terrorists, and they made my camp experience particularly memorable! On a personal level, this camp was significant in that it continues to deepen a process of healing in my life that is as necessary as it is painful. You could call it open-heart surgery, and I am still sore. I am learning to live my feelings and acknowledge them. Learning. Key word.

On another note, let me return to poetry and summer, a belated celebration of the sun's beauty at dusk and the poetic vein that rejoices in God's beauty at all stages of life and living:

summersunset

i hear the flowers whisper
secrets to the setting sun,
their conversation a pattern
painted in light and dark
on the gravel road i walk.
only when i stop can i hear
the blossoms laugh as they
are tickled by the sun's gentle
fingers as he says g'night.

finn-tastic!

I got inspired to write napkin poetix during yesterday's rainy afternoon as I sat at a cafe table and waited for Sonja. The text isn't stellar, but the main marvel of this is that it is in Finnish. That's a first, so I felt the need for documentary evidence! My inspirations came from a conversation, a text message, and the memory of an open window. I love the sound of rain on the roof, and we've had a fair share of it recently. So, each little scribble has to do with rain. I won't offer a translation, because, well, I can't.

But on the topic of more Finnishness, can I tell you how much I appreciate a sauna!? We have our own, which we enjoy thoroughly. But one evening we also visited my aunt and uncle at their new home. We got to sit in their huge new sauna and drink pommac and enjoy good löylyjä (uh...the steam that rises from the stones when you throw water over them). Then when it became imperative to escape the heat, we moved to the back terrace where the cold night air refreshed us and only the darkened woods observed the steam rising from our skin! It was entirely enjoyable. Perhaps later this winter we'll have snow, and then we can go roll in it to cool off! :)

looking forward

I'm a year older now. A quarter of a century is not very old in the great scheme of things, but I am unmistakably an adult. And if we were talking a century ago, I'd even be labeled an "old maid." However, nowadays I don't think that is accurate. But at 25, I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up. Wise, for sure. Compassionate. Trustworthy. Unafraid. Healthy. So much more...

But what does this year hold? It is the great and (thankfully) yet unanswered question! At some point, a master's thesis needs to materialize. I think that is the main academic goal. As for travels, a trip to the US is in the making for my sister's graduation! I hope to visit a few US friends at the same time. Visits to Poland and Japan are on the wish list as well (I can dream, can't I). Personal and spiritual growth are also aspects that I hope will accompany the accumulation of age. Changes in my living situation will crop up in April and maybe a new job at some point. Whew! I place it all in God's capable and guiding hands, as I set to living one day at a time.

I will pass on some verses I received on my birthday, which speak to the many things I'm processing in my mind and life:

Psalm 37:3-6 (KJV)

3Trust in the LORD, and do good; so shalt thou dwell in the land, and verily thou shalt be fed.

4Delight thyself also in the LORD: and he shall give thee the desires of thine heart.

5Commit thy way unto the LORD; trust also in him; and he shall bring it to pass.

6And he shall bring forth thy righteousness as the light, and thy judgment as the noonday.

May it be so.

"Fall back...

...spring forward." That is the phrase that helps me remember which direction to change the clock when daylight savings begins and ends. Our secretary at work has a different way of remembering. "I just think about how everything longs for the summer. The Fall looks back to the summer that passed, so the time moves back an hour. The Spring looks forward to summer that is coming, trying to speed it up by an hour." I like her way of thinking about it. Here where the seasons are so distinct and the winters so dark, it is no wonder that summer is the long-awaited magical season.

This fall has felt different than my earlier ones. While I am still no friend of the darkness, I feel more settled and happy than I did before. It is part of the continuing process of arriving at different levels of adjustment, I'd say. Some things take years. I even look at the temperature nowadays and think, "Wow, it's 8 degrees today, that's warm!" Insane isn't it, how relative temperature can be! In Ecuador, 8 degrees feels like frostbite, here it is an excuse to wear a skirt. This contentment does not mean I want to stay here forever, but it does mean that I will be well for however long God has me here. And you know what? It feels good.

oh six-oh seven

It is the first day of the new year (and also my 100th post in this blog!) and I am back in Helsinki. After 10 days away in Madrid, I have come back with the conclusion that we are creatures of habit, we humans. We have habits in the way we dress every morning, in the schedules we maintain, in our thought patterns, in the food we choose to eat and the ways we spend money, among myriads of others. And when we cannot live according to the rituals that are usual in our lives, we are stretched to new dimensions so that we must adapt or break down.

So when you have 25 people from five countries, (including children of all ages) trying to orchestrate meals, construction, outings, shopping, clean up, and sleeping room from three different households, it requires everyone to let go of usual patterns and have a little bit of grace to adapt to the needs of others (try sharing one shower!). But it was lovely to see people I rarely get to meet, even one aunt all the way from Uruguay! Relatives are one of those things in life that you don’t get to choose, they are part and parcel of your arrival on this planet, biologically tied to you or chosen by one of your biological kin to join the family. I must say it was quite the historical occasion in our clan to have almost everyone under the same roof! This fact alone means that it was loud, crazy, different and special.

And today, on the first day of 2007, I am back in familiar rituals, thankful for the family and life I have been given by my loving Father; thankful for the opportunity to be near relatives for the holidays, especially my parents and sister; thankful for God’s provision in my studies and work; thankful for the year of adventure and growth and healing that is past. And as the creature of habit that I am, I pray that in 2007, I will cultivate habits that stem from love and truth, and patterns of forgiveness and discipline as I grow in the grace and knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ. I cannot tell you how I excited I am about all that I don't know yet! Heheh.

And for you, dear friend reading this, I wish in 2007: life like you've never lived before, deep, alive, meaningful and completely dependent on the Father, in whose heart and hands you will find the most lasting peace and the truest purpose! This most amazing journey of life is beyond any of your expectations when walked with the One who created you and loves you. Know Him!

the day after

Yesterday was our Independence Day. Finland celebrated her 89 years of self-rule and freedom!

I used my freedom from work and class to sleep in later than 6, and go through my Islam course notes. I also drew upon my capabilities of self-rule and decided to go running, because I actually had the possibility to be outside as the muted daylight made her brief appearance on the horizon (according to today's pape, the sun rises at 09:07 and sets at 15:15. Yes, that's six hours and eight minutes, and counting!). I enjoyed the melancholy beauty of a forest stripped of leaves, yet decorated with puddles and green grass that has mistaken the warmth in weather for an early spring. In the evening, as the President's grand independence gala at the palace was well under way, I joined international friends and acquaintances for a celebratory dinner at a Nepalese restaurant that boasted some fabulous paintings of mountains and temples. The food and company were lovely as well.

And now it is the day after. The fashions of the President's gala have been critiqued, I overslept my alarm this morning, and I can actually see glimpses of blue sky outside of my window (a good reminder that above all the gray clouds, the sun is still shining)! In spite of all the studying, working and partying to be done in the next five days, I am at peace right now. It may have something to do with the fact that I'm too tired to expend the energy that stress requires! But mostly, it is because I know Whom my life belongs to, and that His guidance and love are what true freedom is about!

Mne harasho.